The Holiday Series
by Ixchel-of-Palenque
Summary: Snap-shots into some odd situations that would only happen after meeting drunk wraith. What would happen if the SGA crew went back to Earth for Xmas and the Wraith came and took over the city. Includes other Holiday hilarity. Laugh with Caution. AU/OOC


_**AN: **Hey. Now i don't want you all to be confused. This "story" is completely AU and OOC. In fact it wouldn't really be considered a story....rather a collection of snapshots into the lives of a tenative relationship/friendship between the Wraith and the Atlantis team which is the result of ..... well you will read._

_So far there are three stories: "**Home for the Holidays"** is the beginning of this whacky tale, in which the wraith visit Atlantis for christmas. This will be followed by a so far unnamed Easter story and then **"Deck the Halls: The Wraith's Second Christmas".** Both are in planning and writing stages. There are also thoughts of a hallowe'en story and maybe a thanksgiving story as well. If you guys can think of any holidays or events (Comicon, Golden Globes etc) that i can use shoot me a review or a PM with your suggestions. Also if you have any ideas (no matter how bizzare) that you can think of and wish to see, shoot them to me as well._

Remember this is most definately AU and OOC so no comments on that please, this is just supposed to be some fun. :)

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* * *

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_**Home for the Holidays**_

_Author's note: This story came about after having a random conversation with my brother__ after watching (of all things) 'Whose Line is it Anyway? We discussed what we thought would happen if the SGA crew went back to Earth for Christmas and the Wraith came and took over the city. Well you're about to find out._

_Warnings: This story includes drunken wraith, Mosh-pitting, egg-nog and crackers. Laugh with caution._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis _

* * *

It was early December; at least, I would be early December on earth. Although, here in Atlantis no one had any clue what time of year it was. Only minutes before the _Daedalus_ had dropped off an unexpected package to the Atlantis base. Not only was the crate itself unexpected, what was inside was as equally unexpected.

'What do you think is in it?' asked Zelenka. A lot of the members of the Atlantis expedition were curious as to why a large crate was beamed into the gate room. Sheppard, Teyla, Ronan, McKay, Weir, Beckett, Lorne as well as a few other members of the Atlantis crew had gathered around the mysterious crate.

'Well here's an answer. Why don't you open it?' stated McKay, obviously annoyed. He wanted to go back to his work in the lab but unfortunately the crate had broken his latest project.

'Calm down Rodney.' Chastised Sheppard, 'we will. There are technicians on the way already.'

'I bet I can open it.' Said Ronan, he was already flexing his muscles.

'I do not think that is wise Ronan.' Said Teyla but Ronan ignored her. He dug his nails into the wood paneling and gave a few small tugs before giving the crate a mighty yank and the side was ripped off. The contents spilled out of the crate and onto the floor.

It was a large crate full of Christmas decorations.

There was silence.

Followed by more silence.

A cricket chirped somewhere in the room.

Someone coughed, and then…

'Decorations? Its decorations? What are we supposed to do with decorations?' said McKay, still very annoyed at the crate.

'Look, there's a note.' Said Carson Beckett, bending down to pick it up. 'It's addressed to you Elizabeth.' He handed the note to Dr. Weir. She nodded to him, accepted the letter, opened it and scanned it quickly.

'Well what does it say? And who is it from?' asked Sheppard.

'It's from General O'Neill.' Said Weir. 'It says: _Dear Atlantians,' _immediately everyone knew something was up. General Jack O'Neill NEVER referred to the members of the Atlantis Expedition as Atlantians._ 'I don't know what time of year it is over there but here on Earth it's nearly Christmas. So, since you have missed out on Christmas for two years now, I thought that you could use some Christmas cheer and decorate the base! There is going to be a competition between you and the SGC – to see who can decorate their base best! There are prizes! So decorate, have fun and remember: I want photos! Gen. Jack O'Neill'_

Silence.

A pen dropped.

'Has he gone nutters?' asked McKay, snapping everyone out of their stupor.

'I think so.' answered Sheppard. Just then Colonel Caldwell walked into the gate room.

'I see you found the package. The tree is on the ship.' He tapped his earpiece. 'Novak, send in the tree.' And sure enough, no sooner had he said the words then a great oak tree appeared into the gate room in a blinding white light. No one on the expedition expected a giant tree to be inside the city, let alone in the gate room. The team all had their mouths open and Caldwell couldn't resist. He whipped out a camera and snapped a photo.

'Oh and you will be needing this.' He said, handing over the camera.

'Please tell me General O'Neill isn't serious about this?' said Elizabeth after regaining her ability to speak.

'He's quite serious about it Doctor. In fact he is so serious that the prize if you won would be everyone returns home for Christmas and New Year.' He said with a smile.

'Everyone?' asked Beckett. Caldwell nodded.

'Everyone.'

'But what happens if the wraith come and attack the city?' asked McKay.

'I'm sure you could rig up a program that will make the wraith believe that we are here, doctor.' Said Caldwell. 'In fact Hermiod is already working on it. So you better win.'

'Well then.' Said Elizabeth, looking back at the crate. 'We can't let Hermiod down. Let's get to work.'

Ronan and Teyla looked at each other worriedly, not sure what was going to happen.

* * *

It was just over three weeks later, three days before Christmas, and Atlantis was covered in reds, greens, blues, silvers and gold tinsels, holly garlands, twinkling lights, odd sprigs of mistletoe in random doorways (which were moved to another location every hour by a different member of the expedition) and even fake snow in the gate room.

There were a few small accidents during the decorating process. The worse accident happened to Major Lorne who fell off his ladder while stringing up a garland in one of the corridors. McKay wasn't looking where his was going and walked right into the ladder causing Lorne to fall and break his wrist.

Today was the day when the results were announced as to the winner of the Christmas contest. The team had gathered in the control room and had already been talking to General O'Neill for twenty minutes – the gate would be shutting down soon. The video conference was winding down now and there was still no word about the winner.

'So I wish you all a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and all the rest.' said the general. The Atlantis crew slumped slightly in their seats. They had lost. 'Because I won't be here to welcome you back to Earth.' Everyone in the room let out a loud cheer which was heard in the next room. The people in the next room heard the cheer and cheered as well before running back to their rooms and starting to pack their bags.

'You all need to go and pack because you leave for Midway in an hour. A team will be there to meet you. O'Neill out.' The gate shut down. Weir tapped her earpiece.

'People of Atlantis. This is Doctor Weir. I have good news; we are going home for Christmas. We leave for Midway in an hour.' She could hear the cheering and the random Christmas carols being sung. She and the SGA-1 team step out and were greeted to an empty gate room.

'Well.' She said. 'Let's get packed.' She turned to face SGA-1 but was greeted with the sight of watching them running down the corridor whooping, aside from Teyla and Ronan, who followed along quietly.

* * *

An hour and a half later saw the base completely empty. It was like the Christmas story 'The Night before Christmas.' "_Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse._" However, this was not a good thing as at that very moment the gate shut down the cities long range scanner picked up a Wraith Cruiser heading towards the city. It was two days away and someone forgot to put the shield up.

And no one knew.

* * *

It was Christmas Eve when the Wraith finally arrived at the planet. The Wraith queen ordered an attack on the city and after several minutes of attacking the city she realized that no one was fighting back and that the shield wasn't up.

She got up from her throne and ordered all of the wraith to get into darts and head into the city and take control of it. She herself got into a dart and the fleet of ships headed towards the city. They met no resistance.

The queen landed her dart, exited and walked in the south entrance of the main tower and headed upwards. As she walked the corridors and stairs she realized that the city was completely and utterly empty. Her fellow wraith soldiers followed her.

Towards the top of the tower she and the other wraith noticed that the garlands. The queen walked up to one and examined it.

'What is this?' she asked. 'Some kind of strange décor?' Her followers didn't answer. If they queen didn't know then how were they to know?

The entourage continued walking down the corridor before turning and entering the gate room. It was empty except for the Christmas decorations.

'What is this?' she asked. One of the wraiths stepped forwards, in actuality it was the half-wraith Michael. He bowed to the queen.

'When I was tricked into being one of the humans, one of them mentioned something called 'Christey-mass'. It was to celebrate a special holiday, the birth of a saviour.' He said, never looking at the queen.

'Christey-mass?' said the Queen, testing the word out. 'And what do the humans do on Christey-mass?' Michael thought for a moment.

'They said that the night before Chritey-mass they would set out stockings, what ever they are (I think they are some sort of shoe), so some fat human could leave them presents. When the humans wake they would swap presents with other humans as a show of good will. Then they would feast on a giant meal and drink eggnog (some strange drink made from eggs) and dance and sing.'

The queen thought for a moment, trying to imagine such a thing happening. But alas, she couldn't, she had never experienced Christey-mass before.

'Well then we shall have to have Christey-mass for them!' said the queen. She looked at the room again and spotted a small consol. She walked over to it and pressed a few buttons trying to get something to work. She pressed a button that had a small triangle on it side and all of a sudden a strange sound came from the machine.

'_Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock….'_

'What is this!' she cried, covering her ears as the sound carried around the room. Michael spoke up over the noise.

'My queen. When I was being experimented on the humans gave us something called CD's or compact discs. They are a way of storing information and in this case it seems that this CD is storing music. These CD's a placed in a machine called a stereo which plays the music. Although it is different to our entertainment it can be enjoyable, you just have to turn it down a bit.' He walked over to the stereo and turned a knob and the volume decreased to a more suitable level.

It wasn't long after that the queen found herself bobbing her head along with the song. The other wraith shrugged their shoulders and copied what the queen was doing, after all if she was doing it why couldn't they? Within minutes all the wraith were dancing in the Gate-room and had somehow formed a mosh-pit (and how they formed a most-pit to Christmas carols no one will ever know), which would have been a hilarious sight to see, but alas, no one was there to witness it.

However, all good things come to an end. The CD finished its final Christmas carol (_Rocking around the Christmas Tree_). By this time the wraith had become thirsty, but not the thirsty that required human life force but the thirsty that you get from over an hour of constant dancing.

'Where can we quench our thirst?' asked the queen, looking at Michael, who seemed to be the Atlantians expert. He signaled that they should follow him, and lead them all to the cafeteria. Once there the wraith all sat down at an available chair (or floor) while Michael went and got out some drinks from the large refrigerator, unknowingly picking out the alcohol laden eggnog. He served the drinks to his fellow wraith.

Now I don't know if you know this, but the wraith have a low tolerance to alcohol, after all they don't need to drink like we do and therefore are as experienced as earth children when it comes to alcohol. So it wasn't long before the wraith became completely and utterly trashed.

The queen stood up, swaying slightly in her drunken stupor, and announced 'Weeeeee sh…sh…should all go back and s…s…set out our s…s…stockings for the fat man!' There was a chorus of agreement from her fellow wraith and they all stood up (some falling flat on their face) and stumbled back to the gate-room trying to sing the carols that they had heard, although the words were completely wrong and horribly sung.

_The Queen got fun__ned over by a replicator  
Flying home from her ship on Christy-mass eve  
You can say there's such a thing as Fanta  
But as for us and Sheppard, we behaved.  
__She'd been drunking toooooooooo much nog-egg  
__But we forced her to go!_

When the wraith made it back to the gate-room someone at the front tripped and caused the other wraith that were following to fall over on top of them. They all started laughing. Eventually, after several minutes of lying on the floor cackling they stopped laughing and tried to get up, mostly successful, as some of the wraith had now passed out.

The queen ordered them all to stand up and face the Stargate in a line. They then all bent over and took off their left boot (after all it was the closest that they had to a stocking). Some of the wraith fell over again due to the alcohol and passed out.

After placing their left boot in front of the Stargate the wraith queen ordered that they all go and lay down and sleep (or sleep as much as a wraith could) although it ended up with most, if not all the wraith passing out.

None of the wraith noticed that the fat man in the red suit that they didn't really know of had come and filled their boots with gifts.

The next morning the wraith awoke with some headaches and confusion but the queen, as regal as ever, ordered that they all go to their boots. There was some grumbling and complaining about it being too early and 'damn sunlight' was heard several times, after all it was nearly midday.

The wraith that had laid their boots out were surprised to find that there were gifts in their shoe and those who had passed out beforehand found their gifts sitting beside their heads. Each wraith ended up getting a chocolate fat man, a candy cane (which they didn't know what it was), oversized lollipops and a wiggling hula girl (to put in their darts). The queen however received a lump of coal.

'Why did I get this nasty mineral and not what you got?' she cried, Michael (being the wraith Christy-mass expert) regretfully told her.

'It's because you were not good this year. The others and I were. We followed orders, kept our darts clean and brushed our teeth. I think you got the mineral because you didn't brush your teeth.' The queen was about to hit him but realized that he may indeed had been right; she didn't brush her teeth this year.

'So what do we do now?' asked the queen, looking at Michael.

'The humans, I believe then swapped gifts as a show of good will. However these are not the gifts that the fat-man gave us, it is gifts that we have chosen for each other but unfortunately we don't have such gifts. After that I believe they have lunch.' He said. The queen thought for a moment and then did something completely unexpected. She did a superhero pose and yelled out.

'To the Cafeteria!' and then ran down the hallway to the cafeteria. The other wraith just shrugged and copied her: pose and all.

When they arrived to the kitchen the wraith found the queen setting out several large roasts that she found in the fridge. This would suffice for a lunch, or so they thought. She then (unknowingly) pulled out a large pitcher of the same alcoholic eggnog as well as some punch (which was also alcoholic).

While she was setting up lunch, Michael found a box of paper tubes. 'My Queen, I believe these are some sort of novelty.' He read the back of the box. 'It says that two people hold each end and then pull and whoever gets the biggest end gets the prize. We each hold two 'crackers'.' He said reading the box for the name.

The queen then ordered the wraith to sit and got one of her drones to serve up the meat. She sat down at the head of one of the tables and Michael distributed the crackers. Once everything was set up and he had sat down, the queen picked up two crackers (one in each hand) and pointed the other end of both to the wraiths next to her.

'On my count, we all pull.' She said to the wraith, who then picked up the crackers. Once the wraith were ready the queen counted down and then there were a series of loud pops as all the crackers were pulled. The insides of the crackers spilled forth and scattered upon the table. The queen picked one of the little packets up and examined it. She untied the packet and opened it. Inside was a small plastic ring, a piece of paper and a funny colored paper thing.

'What is this?' she asked, holding up the colored paper thing. One of the other wraiths had already examined it and had decided that it was a hat of some kind and placed it on his head. The queen and the other wraiths looked at him as if he were a nutter but the queen took another look at the strange paper and decided that he was probably right and so placed the paper on her head. The others followed her example.

The Queen then placed the small ring on her finger. It wasn't remarkable but it would do. She then tucked into her meal while the others were reading the pieces of paper that were inside the 'hat'. Most of them were jokes or riddles, and they made no sense to the wraith. ('_How do snowmen travel around? By riding an icicle' _and '_Where to Snow-women like to dance? At snowballs_' were the only two riddles/jokes that the wraith actually understood.

After lunch, the wraith were slightly (a lot) tipsy again as they headed back to the gate-room (bringing along the punch and the eggnog). Michael put on the CD again and the Wraith created the mosh-pit again, although it wasn't as successful as the first time as they kept falling over due to being drunk.

And so the wraith partied hard, drank much eggnog and punch and there as even a small brawl over a boot filled with the presents from the fat man because one of the wraiths had forgotten where he had put his boot. It was late in the morning on Boxing Day that the final wraith passed out drunk. They all remained passed out until early the next morning.

They didn't hear the gate activate and the Stargate Atlantis crew return.

* * *

It was a surprise to the SGA crew and Brigadier General Jack O'Neill when they returned to see the gate-room that they left completely empty suddenly filled with wraith, and wraith that had passed out. Jack instantly worried and headed to the kitchen.

'Why the hell is there a heap of wraiths passed out on the floor?' asked Sheppard.

'That's not the only problem.' Called O'Neill as he came back from the cafeteria. 'We're out of eggnog.'

* * *

The wraith Queen woke up with a splitting headache. She sat up and placed her hand on her head.

'Good Morning Campers!' said a perky voice. She turned to look at the voice and noticed a human dressed very nicely in dress blues. 'Name's Jack O'Neill, but you can call me General. Seems you guys had quite a party while we were away? Care to explain.'

The queen just groaned as her headache hammered on.

'Seems to me like you had a bit too much eggnog.' Said Jack, smiling like Christmas had come early (after all they had just out the wraiths weakness – alcohol). The Queen stood up, although she stumbled slightly. 'Tell you what. Since you guys had such a good time while we were away, what about if you come back in four months to celebrate another holiday with us on the mainland, but we have to have a ceasefire-truce for these days.'

The wraith queen just nodded. She had to admit she did have fun, maybe she and her army could learn a few things about having fun from these humans (that and maybe if she was nice (she cringed slightly) she wouldn't get the lump of mineral in her shoe).

'Great, we'll when you guys are not as drunk we send you on your way. However for now you guys can stay here. Have a great New Years.' He stood up and walked out of the holding cell room.

Eventually the wraiths had recovered and were sent on their way with the promise that they would return, peacefully for Easter in four months time. Until that time they would be enemies.

* * *

_So until Easter, involving another whacky Wraith adventure holiday learning experience, __I'll see you next time. _


End file.
